Damn kids

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill
both ways through year 'round blizards carrying
their younger siblings on their backs to their
one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full-time
after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep
their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew
up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a
bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I
had it and how easy they've got it!
But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of
twenty-nine, I can't help but look aroud and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so
fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood,
you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say
it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to
go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write
somebody a letter--with a pen!--and then you had
to walk all the way across the street and put it
in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record
store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait
around all day to tape it off the radio and the
DJ'd usually talk over the begining and fuck it
all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe
some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler"
at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the
lingere section of the JC Penney catalog! Those
were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If
you were on the phone and somebody else called
they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it
was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections
agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You
just had to pick it up and take your chances,
mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation
videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We
had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space
Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked
ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use
your imagination! And there were no multiple
levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you died! Just
like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you
were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then
that was only like 20 channels and there was no
onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called
a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only
get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear
what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I
swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes
back in 1984!
 

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