Rate your hangover
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep
last night was a mere disco nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced
energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are
still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a
steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked
upon your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by
you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with
your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be
better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero
watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed
an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like
you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture
of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.
5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second
heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the
next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death
seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you
were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still
sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker" You wake
up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling,
wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or
your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as
you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an
option.
Then you inadvertently turn Your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs
of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was
your
second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly
atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in
t-minus 14 minutes and the only thing you
can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers. |
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