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How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and
thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece
together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk
by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large Batch of these
magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland"
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors
detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the
passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so
much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will
be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter’s
navigation system to malfunction, thus sending the passenger to the wrong
bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS,
Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through chain specializing in half
eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed
in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure
to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump
into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance
System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters, is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
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